I Hope Someday Cancer will just be a Zodiac Sign – Poem on World Cancer Day

Image Courtesy- Hope Against Cancer, Hope for Cancer Research Charity, Leicestershire & Rutland’s local Cancer Research Charity

Each year 4th of February is celebrated as “World Cancer Day” to increase the awareness about Cancers, one of the world’s deadliest group of diseases.

I’d written this poem about 7 years ago. Each stanza in the poem describes the difficulties a cancer patient faces. The first stanza describes the pain & hopelessness of diagnosis, the second describes treatment & its effects and the last one deals with defeating the cancer and being positive. The main message in chorus urges everyone to join hands and eradicate Cancer from Earth. If we all stand together, it’s possible:

“When darkness falls onto your door;
Would you even see the light of another day? You’re not sure.
Though great memories & caring people provide an armor,
But the hope has gone, leaving days & nights of painful horror.
The suffering grows each day, you think you don’t want to live anymore;
Because you think it’s the end of your world, what’s there to live for?

Though I don’t feel your pain, the way you do;
But I’ll do whatever it takes to help you make it through.
If we all unite, together it is possible;
Because we humans have always triumphed over the darkest maligns.
I hope someday cancer will just be a zodiac sign;
And till we see that day, we’ll keep on trying.

When you feel like that beast has taken your beauty away,
And you think, if you go in the crowd, you’ll lose your way.
Don’t listen to people, let them say whatever they may;
Trust me, you’re more Beautiful with your every new birthday.
Each day the Sun will give new hope with its blazing rays;
And just take those medicines without any delay & soon everything will be okay.

Though I don’t feel your pain, the way you do;
But I’ll do whatever it takes to help you make it through.
If we all unite, together it is possible;
Because we humans have always triumphed over the darkest maligns.
I hope someday cancer will just be a zodiac sign;
And till we see that day, we’ll keep on trying.

Welcome! Here you come like a soldier back from the war;
With that victorious smile & a few proud scars.
Now you’re at home & those bitter memories are far,
And no more hospital’s empty-whiteness, everything’s the way you like, it’s familiar.
My life would have been shattered without you, you’re its strong pillar;
And now when darkness comes in my life, you’re always there like a bright guiding star.

Though I don’t feel your pain, the way you do;
But I’ll do whatever it takes to help you make it through.
If we all unite, together it is possible;
Because we humans have always triumphed over the darkest maligns.
I hope someday cancer will just be a zodiac sign;
And till we see that day, we’ll keep on trying.
We’ll keep on trying…”

Following is a list of few Cancer resources:

While we tried to put links from authentic sources and Government sites; if you have any possible cancer symptom, it’s best not to rely on internet info and visit multiple doctors to be really sure.

Almost all of the cancers are treatable and in earlier stages, most of them are even curable.

Connect with Man of Wisdom on  Facebook, Instagram and Twitter. New blog posts every Thursday and Sunday.

Till the next time, keep improving yourself, stay positive, see the joy around you, radiate happiness, stay emotionally resilient, take care and keep trailing on your Untrailed Path. 🙂

35 Days left – Why you should start now to make 2018 your best year yet and 10 ways to get started

“Now is the time to start living the life you’ve always imagined for yourself.”

We’re in the last quarter of 2017 and 26 days of November have already passed. A lot of people get up on the 1st of January with the enthusiasm that they’ll start new good habits or break old bad habits, start something, change themselves: The New Year’s Resolutions.

Sadly though, for a lot of people the enthusiasm soon wears off. They don’t follow through on their goals and give up too early. By the middle of the year, most people don’t even remember their New Year’s Resolutions let alone progressing on them.

Part I: Why you should start now?

1. Enough time to choose and plan:

Lot of people have in their back of the head some ideas on which they want to work on. Like to lose/gain weight, to have a skill, be better in relationships, start a habit and break another one. In the last week of this year they’ll make a choice and formalize it buy buying gym membership, web hosting, camera, a rose, some guide book or whatever is appropriate for their task. And then start on 1st January. And then fail, because of lack of proper, step by step planning, not thinking of obstacles or later on realizing the task to not be so important.

Some of these situations may occur even with well thought choices and detailed plans. But the chances are really reduced.

Choose and plan now: Right now, you have sufficient time to look back over the year, find out the areas where you really need to change yourself, prioritize them, plan on how to work towards achieving them, step by step, think of possible odds and their solutions. So when you really get down to do it, potential obstacles don’t deter you.

2. Enough time to get started now:

It takes more than 60 days to create a habit. This may seem straightforward but we should keep in mind we may not be consistent. In anything new, after the initial excitement wears off we are faced with the challenges that truly test our commitment. We feel the “dredge” as we slowly shift out of our comfort zone into war zone where most people give up.

One should give themselves at least 75 days for a habit they really want to instill. And though we don’t have 65 days, we’ve 35 days. When you get up on the 1st of January, you’d already be experienced and accustomed in that habit by 1 month. You’d less likely to give up and more likely to follow through.

Part II: 10 Ways to Get Started

1. Look back at the year so far, reflect and list out what you want to change/improve/add in your life. what could be improved?

You’ve 11 months (and a whole lifetime actually) to look back on what worked and what didn’t this year (and so far in your life).
Here are some helpful questions, think and make a note of the answers: What are the areas where you lack and where you can improve? What are your bad habits and behavior patterns that have hold you off from being your best and achieving your goals? What have been your lifelong ambitions? What’s the number one thing that if you achieved would have the greatest impact on your life?

2 (a) Based on #1, write down your 5 most important 2018 goals
These goals are the mot important goal that you think would take from few months to a year to achieve but would essentially improve your life significantly.
If you can’t come up with 5, come up with as many as you can. More than 5 is also fine but don’t exceed 10, otherwise they become too much to properly focus.  You can make another list of goals less important than these top 5, as secondary priority. And don’t worry, we’ll be refining them throughout this post and the next two posts on Thursday and next Sunday.

2 (b) Do not forget to include the most important aspects of your life in your 2018 goals
Our Health, Relationships, Self-Improvement and Career are 4 aspects we should work on every year. So include goals and habits around these 4 area. If you set out only four habits, one related to each of the four areas, in a year you’ll get 3 months to work solely on a single habit. Which is more than enough time to develop a habit. And by the end of the year you’d have 4 good habits that improve your health, relationships, your career and yourself too. Similarly you can have one goal for each month.

3. Break your yearly goals into quarterly and monthly goals
“The gym is more crowded on first of January than it is on first of June. ”

The reason being most people are hardly still following through their yearly goals and resolutions. Most people’s goals are vague and too big and never broken into smaller steps.
Ideally, if something’s so important to you that you’d include in list of things that would change your life then you should definitely work on it every week or at least every month if not everyday.

How?
I’ll take the example of reducing weight since it’s easily measurable and thus easy to divide. e.g. if your current weight is 90 kg and your goal weight is 75 kg with muscular build then you’ve to reduce 15-20 kg and gain 5kg equivalent of muscles.
If you’ve never worked out, you should spend first 3 months developing the habit of working out daily [see 2 (b) above], starting out in smallest step possible [point 5 below]. So first month, say 3 push ups, or 100 meter jog. As well as mindfully reducing junk in diet and incorporating healthy foods. Then gradually increasing and including more exercises. In the second quarter, as you’re regular in workout, you’d want to reduce 3-5 kg weight, and update yourself more on nutritious foods and better exercises. The third quarter as you should become very regular in workout and restraint in workout, you should aim the highest here, say 7 kg weight loss and very less to no junk food with harder workouts. In last quarter you’d want to focus more on muscle gain and attain your goal weight.

4. Start acting now, in November itself, on the most impactful goal among all goals
“Start now. Start where you are. Start with fear. Start with pain. Start with doubt. Start with hands shaking. Start with voice trembling, but start.”

This is the most important point this post is trying to make. Don’t wait till January 1st, start now, right now. Regardless of how your past year has been, how your life has been. ACT! Taking action and getting into habit is the single most important thing to attain your big goals. And it doesn’t have a perfect time or the right time or the right feeling and it will never come. Life is short. Start now.

5. Start with the smallest steps, get over the initial bump
“The man who moves a mountain begins by carrying away small stones.” -Confucius.

Dream big but start small, very small. Start so small that you can’t procrastinate or make excuses. If the goal is to be in prime health, start with 1 push up for 1 week. If it’s to wake up at 5 AM when you wake at 11 AM, than start with goal of waking 5 minutes earlier for a week. If it’s to buy a house, then start with putting away 5 cents everyday for a week. If it’s to run a marathon, begin with 10 meter jogs for a week.

Set such ridiculously small goals that your comfort seeking, fear mongering, self sabotaging mind can simply not convince you to not do that.

Then, when you’re comfortable with it, increase. 1 to 3 pushups, 5 to 15 minutes, 5 cents to 50 cents, 10 meter to 50 meter. Week by week, keep improving.

6. Build consistency by creating a system or habit around your goal
“We first make our habits, then our habits make us.” – Frederick Langbridge

In the really good book, The Power of Habit, the author Charles Duhigg describes each habit is made up of 3 parts: 1. Cue (Trigger) 2. Routine and 3. Reward. i.e. There is a trigger or cue which gets us into the routine or action and afterwards we get some reward. Depending on how positive or negative it is, we’re more or less likely to do it again.

We can utilize this information to form our habits around our goal. For trigger, we can utilize existing daily habits like waking up, bathing, brushing teeth, having lunch etc. So e.g. if you are finding hard to find time for your 1 push up, do it daily after brushing your teeth, this is the routine or action part of the habit. Bind your new habits to existing habits. Workout after brushing teeth, go for a jog after waking up, make three call after dinner etc. This is good when starting, slowly you want to build a system around this habit itself that ensures and helps you to finish this task.

So keep your running shoes and clothes on bedside to go just after you run. Add a “Do X pushups” on your bathroom mirror. Your phone on the kitchen marble to call once done with dinner. And reward yourself. See below.

7. Reward yourself

I wanted to cover the reward part separately. Each time we do something pleasurous, the brain as a response releases certain neurotransmitters like dopamine, seretonin and a few others and a circuit in our brain, called the reward circuit, gets activated. The more we do that task and reward ourselves, the more neurotransmitters are released, the more reward circuit is activated, the more it’s activated the more likely, easily and intuitively we are to do it next time. In laymen terms, reward circuit is also responsible for drug addiction but we can use it here to our advantage, we’ve discussed dilemma of good and pleasant earlier.

So after you’re done with the action (routine) part of your habit, do something that makes you feel good, something pleasurous, reward yourself this way. Overtime your brain would begin to associate that reward with the activity and you’d feel less resistance in doing it. But don’t give self defeating rewards. A cupcake after workout is wasteful.

8. Rely on discipline rather than motivation
Discipline is doing what needs to be done, even if you don’t want to do it.

Despite being so detailed, despite remaking on importance of your goals, despite breaking them into ridiculously small steps, despite setting up habits and utilizing rewards for your goals, there would be days you’d still not do that little task and you’d fail in taking any action.

That’s where discipline comes in. We’ve talked about how to be more self-disciplined earlier.  Overtime, you’d want to mentally rely on your self-discipline developed around your habit. So that you go do your task even when you don’t feel like it, or are in a bad mood, or ‘tired’, over all these excuses you finish your work. That said, be mindful of progression and your health and don’t push yourself mindlessly. Begin small and slowly progress. Be disciplined in small steps.

9. Create a list of books to read
“Reading is to the mind what exercise is to the body.” – Joseph Addison

Learning is essential for our growth and reading is one of the simplest ways to do that. Each year on should create a list of books to read. It doesn’t matter how many. 6 books for reading once every 2 months to 12 books for monthly read or 52 books for each week. Decided on some great books. Read books that help you grow. This was our 2017 reading list.

10. Do the sign ups and shopping for your goals now

This may not apply to everyone and to all goals. But some of your goals may have some pre-requisites. So if it’s gym membership, or website sign up, or domain buying, or books to buy, or shoes to buy or enrollment in the coaching. Do it now. Not in the last week of December, not in the first week of January. Do it now and get started.

All the best for your 2018 goals. Get started and keep going.

In the next two posts I’ll be sharing how I use 5 free apps to keep a track of my yearly goals down to hourly progress and 2018’s public goals to give an idea of how to set these goals.

If this post was helpful, please share it. Please tell us how do you set and achieve your your yearly goals?

You can also connect with Man of Wisdom on faccebook  and twitter. New blog posts every Thursday and Sunday.

Till the next time, keep improving yourself, stay positive, stay emotionally resilient, take care and keep trailing on your Untrailed Path.

On A Slow Suicidal Track- An Inspiring poem for quitting Smoking on World No Tobacco Day

World No Tobacco Day

Hiding from my wife and children, I secretly walk out of the house;
I can’t resist the feeling that this smoking arouses.
I light up the cigarette every 20 minutes without a break;

Though I’d love to live long, but I know I’m walking on a Slow Suicidal Track.

 

Though I love her a lot, but still we often fight;
The never ending discussion of what is wrong and what is right?
I’d love to somehow fill our relation’s ever occurring cracks;

Though I want to live a happy life, but with smoking, I know I’m walking on a Slow Suicidal Track.

 

In the price of my expensive cigarette, a hungry soul could have a meal;
In the time I finish one, 50 children would have lost their lives, it’s true but seems so unreal.
I never knew with my one cigarette so much was at stake;

Though I’d like to save their lives but with smoking I find myself on a Slow Suicidal Track.

 

My kids don’t come close to me, my breath repels them;
My wife won’t love, my parents won’t talk, my life, it is mayhem!
They all in one voice say, if I don’t quit smoking, there won’t be many candles on my birthday cake;

I know they’re right, but still I haven’t quit, I’m still walking on this Slow Suicidal Track

 

Though I’m pretty young but I can’t walk long, don’t feel strong, I feel very old;
“This Cigarette is a medicine my friend”, Oh! It all began with this lie that so called “friend” sold!
The blood, the cough, the cancer and tar have filled up to my mouth and my neck;
And I being an idiot still walked on the Slow Suicidal Track.

 

I don’t want to suffer it all just to light the fire and to give in to my pity desire;
If I don’t quit I’d lose it all, now to quit it forever is what I aspire.
I suffered a lot, I had enough, this misery has to end and now there’s no turning back!
I Stop, I Quit, I know I have walked enough on this Slow Suicidal track.

 

Please listen my friend, if you use tobacco or smoke it too,
Don’t give in, the quitting is hard just in the first month or two.|
Now since you’ve begun don’t fallback, attack! there’s nothing you lack,
There’s no use on walking on this, let’s smack! this dirty Suicidal Track!”
On this
World No Tobacco Day

Quit Smoking!

 

            Choose life over death, Choose happiness over misery!
End the suffering, begin living!
1216 people quit smoking everyday, by dying!
Please don’t be part of this statistics.
If you agree with the message of the poem and you know someone who smokes, then share, pass it on and spread the words, so more people can live!

We Human, can always, have always and will always triumph over the darkest maligns! And this is just a pity desire. Throw the cigarettes into the trash. This time let this misery be smoke and disappear into air, while you breath in fresh air.

Of all deaths, one out of six die because of smoking. To put this into context, in the US alone, tobacco kills the equivalent of three jumbo jets full of people crashing every day, with no survivors. On a worldwide basis, this equates to a single jumbo jet every hour. (Source- Health Effects of Smoking).

Lot of people consider only Cancer as the harmful effect of Smoking, they’re completely wrong. Here are effects of smoking, ignoring 12 types of cancer it causes: What are the effects of smoking if we ignore Cancer?

If you smoke you’re a danger not only to your self but to people around you, people you love, the whole society and the whole Humanity! There is a chance that 33% people around you will get the cancer and die due to Passive Smoking.

This poem and Man of Wisdom is part of a collective project to make the World a Better Place, called The Project for A Better World Without Diseases, Disaster and Despair.

 

Part 2 of Characters and Virtues of Self Caring series on Developing Character and Building Moral Code would be published tomorrow, on Thursday 1st June. Last post on essential virtues and how to build them is here.

Did you like the post? Where can we improve? Please give your valuable feedback. Thanks a lot for reading!

Connect with Man of Wisdom on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter for more frequent updates. New blog posts every Thursday and Sunday.

Be kind. Stay positive. Radiate happiness. Goodbye. Take care. Keep Trailing on your Untrailed Path. 🙂

10 Essential Virtues for Modern Times and How to Develop Them – Being Virtuous is Self-Transcending Part 1

Being Virtuous - Slowly confronting and illuminating the dark parts of our conscience

“He that has energy enough to root out a vice should go further, and try to plant a virtue in its place.”  ~Charles Caleb Colton

This is part 2 of the 5 part series on Self Caring: Healthy Body, Mind, Heart (emotional/spiritual aspect), Character and Lifestyle.  This post focuses on Character and Virtues. The last post on Self-Discipline as healthy lifestyle is here.

This post on Character and Virtue is divided in 2 parts, this is part one. Part 2 on developing Character and a Personal Moral Code would be published on Sunday.

What are virtues and vices?
Virtues are the morally excellent qualities in a person. Vices are the bad qualities that harm self as well as others. As opposed to vices, virtues are inherently good for the person and often for others too.

Why we should be virtuous?
For a life of fulfillment, happiness, inner harmony, clarity, success, peace, stronger relationships, deeper bonds, abundance and prosperity, we should try to be virtuous. Since all our progress and experience that’s in our hands is ruled by our virtues and values, it’s essential that we try to be more virtuous.
Also it’s important to answer the opposite question: Why you shouldn’t be virtuous? You shouldn’t be if you want to live with guilt, being hurt, poor ethics, self harm, hurting others, and essentially acquire all vices and damage they bring on a personal and community level.

How to be virtuous?
“Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing.” -August Wilson
To be virtuous requires self-observation, contemplation and correction of our thoughts, behavior and actions. Are we thinking and doing good? What are the bad qualities and habits we have? Where we can improve?
From a more practical perspective, pick up something bad that you do/think or good you want to do/think and slowly try to practice it on a small level. This is general advice. Below, with each virtue, I give points specific to it that are helpful in developing the virtue.

Isn’t Virtue an outdated Concept, irrelevant in modern times?
“Focus on making yourself better, not on thinking that you are better.” – Bohdi Sanders.
No. Virtues would be relevant as long as machines don’t completely take over us and as long as thinking and acting human beings would exist – because there will always be possibility of becoming a better version of ourselves.

Making Virtues Mainstream Again
“We value virtue but do not discuss it. The honest bookkeeper, the faithful wife, the earnest scholar get little of our attention compared to the embezzler, the tramp, the cheat.” ― John Steinbeck
We live in a society of advertisement and marketing that emphasizes on vices and temptations and how it’s good to indulge in them, all to sell their products and services. They make people who don’t indulge as “uncool” people. The sad aspect is not only they succeed in selling their products but they succeed in making this thinking mainstream. Let’s change this.
Embrace virtues. From one perspective, purpose of life is to be the best version of ourselves. Embrace virtues and appreciate people for their virtues. And especially parents, try to teach your children about why and how to be virtuous and encourage them to be virtuous.

The Popular 7 Virtues
Following and a few other virtues have been mentioned repeatedly in religious and social texts, often as the opposite of the 7 cardinal sins: The virtues that have been chastity, temperance, charity, diligence, patience, kindness, and humility. I think this needs revision.

10 Essential Virtues for Modern Times
There are too many virtues and it’s not possible to imbibe all virtues. So I tried to narrow down the list of essential virtues to the following 10. Each virtue is followed with a brief discussion, set of associated virtues and quick glance over important points to develop them. I think these are the most essential virtues one should dedicate life to developing:

Virtue 1: Kindness
“Searching all directions with one’s awareness, one finds no one dearer than oneself. In the same way, others are fiercely dear to themselves.
So one should not hurt others, if one loves oneself.” –Udana.
Kindness remains as relevant now as it was 3000 years ago. Kindness and the level at which we can feel and practice it is what, more than any other trait, separates us from animals.
Associated virtues: Helpfulness, Caring, Charity, Loving, Altruism, Equity, Selflessness, Inclusiveness.
Developing the Virtue: Count to 5 before judging anyone. Try to put yourself in someone else’s shoes before judging someone. Recognize good in people. Smile more. Try to leave everyone or at least someone (feeling) better than you found them. Help people in need. Be there. If can’t help, don’t hurt. Don’t increase anyone’s burden if you can’t share it.

Virtue 2: Action
“It’s not who am I but what I do that defines me.” – Batman Begins.
We spend too much time in talking, thinking, feeling and reacting and hardly any in doing. From armchair activism at community level to procrastination and distraction at personal level, our problems are only magnified as we take less and less actions and find more excuses to avoid our work. I could’ve put this along with self-discipline. But it’s high time that we begin to reward people who act more than people who talk. Value action more than words and intentions. Appreciate people who act.
Associated Virtues: Hard work, Decisiveness, Diligence, Progress.
Developing the Virtue: Start small. Start. Don’t wait for right moment or right feeling or motivation. Associate work with cause you care about. Plan minimally. Schedule your time. Be committed. Start small. Start now. Start. Do.

Virtue 3: Positivity and Emotional Hygiene
“There is a magnificent, beautiful, wonderful painting in front of you! It is intricate, detailed, a painstaking labor of devotion and love! The colors are like no other, they swim and leap, they trickle and embellish! And yet you choose to fixate your eyes on the small fly which has landed on it! Why do you do such a thing?” –C. JoyBell
Lot of people I interact with are negative towards their lives, their friends and family, pessimistic towards their abilities, passive towards bright possibilities. Lot of us feel too much sadness, guilt, inferiority, take people’s opinion to heart.
Emotional Hygiene: We don’t live in dirty, messy environment then why should we allow our consciousness to reside amongst negative, self-sabotaging, self harming, self impairing thoughts? Practice emotional hygiene. Confront your negative thoughts take necessary steps to address them and if they recur purge them, eliminate them. 
Associated Virtues: Patience, Liveliness, Meaningful Distractions, Forgiveness, Encouragement.
Developing the Virtue: Emotional well-being is part of the series on self caring and there’d be a detailed post next week. 

Virtue 4: Resilience and Self Preservation
“Resilience is all about being able to overcome the unexpected. Sustainability is about survival. The goal of resilience is to thrive. ” – Jamais Cascio
Life is hard. This is a truth we should try to understand and accept. Circumstances would probably never be as perfect as we would like them to be. We’d meet with defeats, rejections, indifference, hatred, pain, sadness and the most difficult to deal with – loss of loved ones. And we’d have to live.
Survivalism: We must have an unflinching love for self and self-preservation. We must tattoo this in our brain that our life is a priceless, precious gift to us by nature/God/probability and we must try to preserve it at all costs. No matter what comes our way we have to survive and live.
Associated Virtues: Grit, Resolve, Self Love, Courage, Self Caring, Patience.
Developing the Virtue: Value self and your life beyond anything. Believe in self. Prepare for unfavorable situations before hand.

Virtue 5: Courage and Individuality
“The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself.”  –Friedrich Nietzsche
It takes courage to follow our dreams, be ourselves and have individual opinions where so many indulge in group thinking, follow the rat race and echo mass opinions without thinking through. It takes courage to stand up to our challenges, our enemies but even more to our friends, family as sometimes we need to. Sometimes we’ve to choose what we believe in, especially when we’re right, even if we’re in minority or completely alone.
Associated Virtues: Saying “no”. Boldness. Self Expression.
Developing the Virtue: Stand up for what you believe in. Express it. Manifest it. Encourage others. Raise your voice. Don’t lose who you are for others.

Virtue 6: Self Discipline and Self Regulation
“No evil propensity of the human heart is so powerful that it may not be subdued by discipline.” -Seneca
In a sense we’re sophisticated apes and our monkey minds can’t cope with so many temptations, distractions and desires especially when they’re so easy to satiate in modern world. It wants to be gratified right now but is simply insatiable. Its demands are unending. Discipline and self-regulation are what we need to navigate through all the distractions, improve our self and get things done.
Associated Virtues: Developing all virtues and all growth depends on level of self-discipline. It’s a core virtue. Temperance.
Developing the Virtue: Start small. Practice tough love. Eliminate distractions. Work in quite, secluded environment. I consider discipline as lifestyle and this was part 1 of self caring, here’s a post detailing how to develop self-discipline.

Virtue 7: Awareness
“Be the witness of your thoughts.” – Buddha
This is probably the most important easily available but rarely utilized faculties of our mind. By awareness I mean observing the thoughts that arise in our mind. This practice alone is great. But later on, in the beginning we can slowly steer the thoughts in the direction of our choice. Later when proficient, we can completely change our thinking in a moment. Mastering our awareness and thinking is almost a superpower. You can take actions, you can truly experience or completely alter your emotions, change mood in an instant, stay resilient, positive and respond proactively rather than merely reacting.
Time Management: Managing time is not in our control. What we can manage is our awareness, thoughts, focus and then take actions accordingly. Planning, scheduling, tracking etc. is efficient but you actually have to get things done and that comes easily when you can manage your thoughts.
Associated Virtues: Mindfulness, Time, Energy and Focus Management.
Developing the Virtue: Meditate. Observe, visualize, confront and clarify your thoughts. Utilize meaningful distractions.

Virtue 8: Dedication to Truth
“This above all: to thine own self be true
And it must follow, as the night the day
Thou canst not then be false to any man.” – Shakespeare
Dedication to truth means consistently revising our map of reality and not being deluded by daydreaming, illusions and how we want things to be to make ignore how things are. If you don’t even acknowledge the problem, you can’t solve it. Be honest with self.
Being truthful to others is also very good. Truth almost always is better than sweet talking.
Associated Virtues: Truthfulness, Humility.
Developing the Virtue: Continuously revise your map of reality i.e. what you believe to be true. Don’t let daydreaming and idle reveries drift you away from truth. Even if truth is harsh or inconvenient, problems can only be solved when you actually observe and accept there indeed is some problem. Don’t white lie i.e. lie to yourself. Be open to challenge of your view of reality from other people.

Virtue 9: Learning
“There is no end to education. It is not that you read a book, pass an examination, and finish with education. The whole of life, from the moment you are born to the moment you die, is a process of learning.” –Jiddu Krishnamurti
One of my favorite virtues. In the age of information, ignorance is choice. Lot of knowledge is few taps or clicks away. From improving ourselves, to progressing in our careers, strengthening our relationships, resolving our problems – if we seek properly, we’ll find the answers. This idea should be considered very empowering. The onus of finding answers to our problems is on us.
Associated Virtues: Curiosity, Observation, Introspection and Reflection. Wisdom, Financial, Survival & other Knowledge. Learning from setbacks.
Developing the Virtue:  Be curious, observe, introspect, reflect, correct and assimilate. See which areas of your life can you resolve/improve through knowledge. Then seek the answers.

Virtue 10: Self Caring
“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe deserve your love and affection.” – Sharon Salzberg
Associated Virtues: Being Healthy (Physically, Mentally, Emotionally), Being Virtuous, Being Disciplined.
Developing the Virtue: Remember, you deserve happiness, peace and your own love too. Begin by taking care of your emotions and lifestyle. Take care of your health. Since this is self referencing, when this 5 part series on self-caring concludes, I’d link each part and the conclusion here.

Bonus Virtue: Discernment and Decisiveness
“Decisiveness is a characteristic of high-performing men and women. Almost any decision is better than no decision at all.” – Brian Tracy
This could have been put alongside other virtues but I found it important enough to make a point about it. Everyday, we’ve to make hundreds of decisions, choices and judgements. The ability to minimize decisions and making effective choices can really boost up our productivity, stress and help us excel in our work. Indecision and delay diminish progress.
Associated Virtues: Judgment, Deciding what is right and wrong, Balancing.
Developing the Virtue: Always try to make some choice. Practice. Plan before hand. This would also be covered more in the cognitive aspect of Self Caring in future blog post.

A Word of Caution on Extremes of Virtues
Virtues need to practiced with balance. Too much of virtue isn’t always a good thing. In some cases people can take advantage of you, in other cases you could be harming yourself. As Adam Grant puts it:
Too little of a virtue is bad, but so is too much. Aristotle believed that every virtue lies between vices of deficiency and excess. Too little humor is dry; too much is silly. Too little pride makes us meek; too much breeds narcissism. Too much self-restraint leaves you doing homework while your friends are tailgating. Too little self-restraint means you’ll really regret eating that fourth Scotsman Dog.

I hope this post has been helpful to you. Next post on Ethics, Morals, Values, developing Character and Personal Code and hows and whys of it would be published on Sunday.

I’d conclude the Self Caring series in about Mid June. Then I’d be writing about Death, Dying and Dealing with Loss of Loved Ones because it’s a topic so many of us struggle with but we don’t talk much about and so there’s little info on how to make sense of life.

Did you like the post? Where can we improve? Please give your valuable feedback. Thanks a lot for reading!

Connect with Man of Wisdom on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter for more frequent updates. New blog posts every Thursday and Sunday.

Be kind. Stay positive. Radiate happiness. Goodbye. Take care. Keep Trailing on your Untrailed Path. ?

 

Notes:

Tears of the Sky – An Inspiring Poem for Earth Day

Has this thought ever came into your mind?
When you looked up in the Night?
The falling rain as the tears of the sky?
The loud thunders as its loud cries?

What do you think why do you cry?
When you’re hurt or someone has blown dirt in your eyes?
This is what happens with that beautiful sky,
When it rains without season as the sky cries.

‘Cause you pollute, put smoke and dirt in the eyes of the sky,
The toxins from industries rising up and high.
 Daily the trees are cut and the rivers are getting dry,
Most species you’ve exterminated as the living ones sigh.

Why do you always hurt your mother?
The mother who suffered pain but still gave you birth?
Though you may not agree but there’s still another,
The Mother who nurtures and sustains, the one you call Earth!

And my selfish friend what would you say to your children?
When they’ll live and die below the hot sun.
Without water, food, trees or greenery, with just hunger, thirst and a barren land.
From yourself you run now, from your children then would you run?

Blossoming fields, blessing greenery and a happy Earth, if you want to see,
Save water, plant more trees and don’t waste the energy.
Don’t throw what you can eat and save electricity;
We don’t mean don’t use, but please use efficiently.

Don’t cry, don’t make excuses, don’t be sad or get mad;
There’s still time for us if together all of us try.
On this Earth Day see the Better World that we can have ahead,
Now let’s wipe clean the tears of the Earth and tears of the beautiful sky.


“Happy Earth Day”
Share and Spread. Let’s work for a Better Planet, a Brighter World and a Happy Tomorrow 🙂

Here are 50 simple ways in which you can save our Planet Earth.

For more, Connect with Man of Wisdom on Facebook or follow Man of Wisdom on Twitter.

You can mail your queries and suggestions to Man of Wisdom at UntrailedPath[at]gmail.com.

Till the next time, Stay Hungry, Stay Foolish, Keep Smiling and most importantly,

Keep Trailing on your Untrailed Path.

In Praise of Empty Space – A Rapid Poem for World Poetry Day

Image result for empty outer space

I was inspired to write this not serious, rapid poem (took about 20 minutes) after seeing the true map of solar system. I highly recommend you to go and see it and consider how vast our own Solar System is and how it’s mostly empty space. Then consider how small the solar system is, there are stars bigger than our whole solar system!

The Universe is unimaginably big, beyond comprehension. Consider how small are our problems, complaints, mindless fighting are in the grand scheme of things. We live on a minor planet orbiting an average star in the corner of a small, galaxy. We really should be humble about ourselves. The differences in the color of our skin, cultures, countries, content of our languages – doesn’t matter. Because each other is all we humans have got in the big empty Universe.

I had written this on Monday and wasn’t written with World Poetry Day in mind. I was not well yesterday and was occupied in something else. So posting a day late. The second last verse is inspired from the creation verse of Rigveda (see below in notes). Happy World Poetry Day!

In Praise of Empty Space or Nothingness:

“What’s the biggest thing in the Universe?”, they ask.
Answers pour: “The Sun” “The Galaxy” “The Supercluster”,
“Great Void”, “Great wall”, “Radiations in which all Cosmos bask?”
They’re all wrong, truth they tend to ignore.
The greatest thing that ever was and will be:
Is Nothingness, Empty Space, what you can’t see.

Everything that will come to be,
And everything that is gone
Comes from the Void,
And to the Void it is gone.
The cradle and cremation pyre of all the Cosmos,
The great empty space is what make everything possible.

“All the world’s a stage”,
And that stage is set in nothingness.
All beings that have come, there are and that will come,
All beings on distant planets we know nothing of.
From their childhood to their death,
from their first smile to their last breath,
All took place and all was took away, gone in the empty space.

Like to any great entity, here too the disbelievers yell,
“There’s no true vacuum, there’s no empty space”
And the naysayers gather and yelp:
“Nothingness can’t be quantified or compared”
Then all their words and all their selves,
Are swallowed whole in the great nothingness

Atoms are 99.99..% empty space,
So isn’t matter too mostly empty, in this case?
See that ocean, the planet, the stars?
You, me, this device, everything near and far;
Not only it’s encompassed by emptiness,
But from within too it’s mostly empty space.

Who knows where it ends and where it begins?
Or if this even has boundaries?
How it was started and how it will end?
Had it any beginning and does it even end?
No one knows, no one can tell,
We’d be forever ignorant of Emptiness’s tale. [1]

The whole Cosmos will once be gone,
Frozen, or in fire, shattered or condensed, to us unknown.
There’d  be nothing left, just empty space,
No matter but all pervading emptiness.
Eons later a new light will shine,
A new Cosmos would breath life’s first sign,
Over and over again repeats the same story,
Oh Great Emptiness, praise on thee!

Next blog post on Health and Fitness, part 2 of self-care series would be published on Sunday.

I love space and Cosmos and would publish an app related to space soon.

Till the next time, connect with Man of Wisdom on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter for more frequent updates.

Be kind. Stay positive. Radiate happiness. Goodbye. Take care. Keep Trailing on your Untrailed Path.

Note:
1. Creation verse or Nasadiya Sukta:
“Who truly knows, who can honestly say where.
This universe came from
And where it will vanish to at the End?
Those godlike wise men who claim they know were born long
After the birth of Creation.
Who then could know where our universe really came from?
And whoever knows or does not know where Creation came from,
Only one gazing at its vastness from the very roof of the final Heaven
Only such a one could possibly know,
But does even He know?” -Rigveda, creation verse.

Self Discipline is Self Caring – 10 Ways to Be More Disciplined and Love it


“No evil propensity of the human heart is so powerful that it may not be subdued by discipline.”
-Seneca

I am trying to be more disciplined myself as I write this post (this was supposed to be published on Sunday not Tuesday!), so do not treat this as something coming from an authority but from an experimenter and a fellow companion in the journey to be more self-disciplined.

(This is part one of 3 part series on Self Caring – Healthy Body, Heart and Lifestyle. This focuses on being self-disciplined as a lifestyle trait. The rest 2 would be published next Thursdays and Sundays.)

What is Self Discipline?
Merriam-Webster defines self-discipline or self-control as “correction or regulation of oneself for the sake of improvement“. They also provide a simpler and more helpful definition for English language learners: “the ability to make yourself do things that should be done”.

Apt. Self-discipline is about doing things you do not want to do but you know you need to do and going ahead and doing them despite the inherent discomfort and reluctance. Some examples would be studying for the impending test when you want to watch TV, having that important but uncomfortable conversation with your partner when you’d rather browse internet, working out when you want to eat an ice cream and so on.

Our brains are wired for comfort and pleasure and discipline feels inherently difficult, bad and repulsive. So why is it needed?

The Importance of Self Discipline
In his book, The Road Less Traveled, Psychologist M. Scott Peck offers the following perspective on the importance of self-discipline:

Discipline is the basic set of tools we require to solve life’s problems. Without discipline we can solve nothing. With some discipline we can solve only some problems. With total discipline we can solve all problems.

Discipline is essential for utilizing our full potential, realizing our possibilities and becoming the person we are meant to be. In all aspects of life – be it physical, mental or emotional health, personal or professional relationships, all goals and living a happier, peaceful life – discipline is essential and perhaps the most important quality. A few points to help you realize this:

Self Disciplined People are Happier
“It is one of the strange ironies of this strange life that those who work the hardest, who subject themselves to the strictest discipline, who give up certain pleasurable things in order to achieve a goal, are the happiest men.” – Brutus Hamilton.
According to a study by psychologist Wilhelm Hofman and his team at University of Chicago, people who are disciplined and are able to refrain from impulses are happier. This seems counter-intuitive, because if I can eat a cake now and everyday, am I not lot happier than someone who is disciplined in diet and eats boiled vegetables? The answer is sure, I am having more pleasure but in long-term it’s more likely I’d be prone to diseases like diabetes and heart diseases and would live a far stressful life versus someone in more control of their diet, who would likely be healthier, thinner, less susceptible to diseases and would avoid stress.

Corollary: Pleasure vs Happiness
A lot of people confuse instant gratification, which is release of pleasure chemicals like dopamine, with happiness which is wrong. Happiness is an abundance of positive emotions like joy, interest, pride, gratitude, an inner satisfaction and appreciation of life. Pleasure is just one small aspect which depends on external factors. You may not experience the pleasure without the cake but you can be happy – cake is not needed. Also gratification in this instant often leads to stress, sadness, disappointments and other overwhelming negative emotions later in life.

Self Discipline means Less Stress, Pain and Disappointments
“The more disciplined you become the easier life gets.” – Steve Pavlina
I think this is easier to understand. If you submit your homework on time, you escape from late submission punishment. If you put work and heart in your relationship everyday, you skip later disappointments. If you find time for your physical, mental and emotional health, you’re less likely to suffer from diseases, mental deterioration and would be more resilient and prudent in unfavorable circumstances. If you follow your work deadlines, you’re more likely to be promoted and less likely to be fired.
The key thing in all of these instances is attempting the necessary thing now for future rewards. But in doing so, you face your greatest enemy: the current you.

We hate ourselves (Please read this carefully)
A lot of us hate ourselves. Don’t believe me? How else can you justify the pain, disappointment, suffering and torture that our current self inflicts on our future self for momentary pleasure? We consider ourselves excluded of suffering our future self would go through. We believe it’s some different person who would be dying in a hospital, who would be going through a divorce, who would be fired from her job, who would be failing in his exam. Despite knowing such catastrophic outcomes that our future version would go through, we still indulge in petty pleasures that we know would ruin us and our lives.

Loving the “Future-You”
“Self-respect is the root of discipline: The sense of dignity grows with the ability to say no to oneself.” -Abraham Joshua Heschel
How do we address and overcome this self-hatred? One easily overlooked fact we need to realize is that just as our future self suffers from our current self’s indulgence, irresponsibility and debauchery. Our future self and therefore we, also reap the rewards like happiness, achievements, fulfillment, joy, peacefulness, loving environment and so on – if we exhibit more self-control and discipline now. It’s us who would be happier, healthier, have a great married life, richer, calmer, stress free and successful. As you’d see in the later section attuning ourselves with reality and our responsibility also helps us being kinder to ourselves. Begin to love yourself. Do not live a life where the present self is indifferent to the future self and lives in the regret of things past self did. It’s just you. Do not inflict such pain on yourself.

Corollary: Accept There’s No Different Person in Future.
Again, the person who experiences gratification now and suffers later are same people – you. Visualize and imagine yourself as reaping the results of your actions before indulging in pleasure. It’s you who suffers or succeeds. Be more connected with your future version through visualization, long-term plans, goals, letters/emails to future self, being mindful in this instant and consistent evaluation of where you’re heading in life.

The Structured Life
Discipline is formed through habits, over long period of time. More organized, structured and timely you’re in your daily, seemingly insignificant activities like sleeping, eating, bathing etc. the more disciplined you’d be in other, more significant aspects of your life such as health, relationship, career etc. and more time you’ll find for them.

Discipline is a Journey
And a slow one at that. It doesn’t happen that you’re in-disciplined and suddenly decide to be more disciplined and poof! -are now in complete control of all aspects of life. Sorry but you’d crash and burn. Discipline is like a muscle, the more you practice the better you become. Just like weight lifting, in the beginning you start small. Slowly, daily challenge yourself to larger goals i.e. more uncomfortable tasks and become stronger.

10 Ways to Become More Self Disciplined
I’ll discuss only 5 (6-10) here in detail and simply mention the rest (1-5) that are better explained in the post on Overcoming Instant Gratification. Let’s jump into them:

6. Shipping is Better than Perfecting
Pursuing Perfection is one of the most common excuse and most overlooked mistake. It’s deeply intertwined with self-discipline. Whether you’re trying to be more self disciplined or applying it in a task, know that it’s better to just do something than to delay it. It’s better to get something done than to avoid and delay any progress.
I used the word Shipping instead of Doing. Shipping means you’re open to criticism, feedback, any measurement of your activity. Writing this blog post and saving it in my drafts is doing, publishing it – putting it out in the world and getting feedback from real people is shipping.

7. Rituals are Better than Habits
Self discipline is a process and is built through good habits/routines. You don’t wake up early, workout, make your bed, study, talk to your partner once a year, you’ve to do it regularly. As I interpret Rituals are habits that are performed with attention, devotion, mindfulness and a sort of celebration. You don’t skip it. Rituals have the automaticity & self-initiation of habits but are performed with more attentiveness and more involvement. Habits can be bad but since you really think through and involve in rituals, they’re always good. Discipline cultivated through rituals is more effective than one built through habits.

8. You’d Never “Feel Right”
‘Inspiration exists, but it has to find you working.’ – Pablo Picasso
Another powerful and somewhat rational excuse we give ourselves is “I don’t feel like doing it”. True. When there’s a pile of pizza a call away, you won’t feel like sticking to your diet or working out, ever. Motivation is extremely overrated and comes after the task is done or at least begun. Doing anything requires a touch of madness, just jumping into it, regardless of how we’re feeling.

9 . Prioritizing Tasks & Time Management (Einsenhower Decision Box)
The 34th President of the United States Dwight Eisenhower was one of the greatest leaders in history. He proposed division of all tasks into Important and Urgent and then acting on them. From a brilliant, must read post from Art of Manliness:
Eisenhower Decision Matrix urgent important

Urgent means that a task requires immediate attention. These are the to-do’s that shout “Now!” Urgent tasks put us in a reactive mode, one marked by a defensive, negative, hurried, and narrowly-focused mindset.

Important tasks are things that contribute to our long-term mission, values, and goals. Sometimes important tasks are also urgent, but typically they’re not. When we focus on important activities we operate in a responsive mode, which helps us remain calm, rational, and open to new opportunities.

The key is to focus more on important tasks than urgent tasks.

10. Keep a Track of Your Progress
You’d be better self disciplined and in more control of life if you know where you’re heading and how you’ve progressed. Maintaining this in a journal, app or digital document may really help you becoming more self disciplined, identifying and correcting the mistakes you make and the obstacles or circumstances that lure you away.

1. Start Small (so small it seems ridiculously easy).
2. Minimize Temptations (remove them!) and use Meaningful Distractions to your advantage.
3. Know that Willpower can be replenished and increased. Increase it.
4. Start Accountability and/or Support System
5. Be Consistent (Build the Momentum and Be Committed). Be Persistent (It’s ok to fail but it’s important to try again tomorrow)

4 Tools for Self Discipline (optional but highly recommended read)
The post was already long, so I put this separately. The Road Less Traveled is divided in 4 sub-parts, the first part is discipline. The author recommends 4 tools to be more disciplined in life:
1. Delaying gratification
“Opportunity may knock only once, but temptation leans on the doorbell.”
“Serving one’s own passions is the greatest slavery.” – Thomas Fuller
This is the single most important tool in becoming more disciplined. I won’t cover this here, because I’ve covered in far more detail drawing insights from psychology, neuroscience, philosophy and practical examples in a previous post here: Overcoming Instant Gratification

2. Acceptance of Responsibility
“We can’t solve a problem by saying “it’s not my problem”. We must accept the responsibility for a problem before we can solve it. The difficulty we have in accepting the responsibility for our behavior lies in desire to avoid pain in the consequences of that behavior.”
You can’t escape from freedom of responsibility you have for your life. You can’t attribute your problems to society, system, parents, children, race and so on. Sure they may have some partial contribution to your current situation but you cannot be disciplined in life unless you accept where you are and determine where you want to be, in spite of the external factors that hinder you.

3. Dedication to Truth (Reality)
“Our view of reality is like a map with which to negotiate the terrain of life. If the map is true and accurate, we will generally know where we are, and if we have decided where we want to go, we will generally know how to get there. If the map is false and inaccurate, we generally will be lost.”
Continuously Revise Your Map – For our map i.e. our view of reality to be accurate we need to consistently revise it. This is painful and so a lot people avoid it. Their outdated maps make them think the reality is same in adulthood as it was in childhood, same in college as was in school, same when being single and married and so on.
Be Open To Challenge: The only way to ascertain that our view of reality is accurate is by being willing to be challenged from other people’s view of reality. Else we form a view and stick to it, a closed system. Consistently seek feedback and correct yourself.
A lot of people never confront reality/truth and live in a dreamland. You cannot be disciplined without accepting you are not. Be dedicated to reality and strive to have it more accurate.
Do not withhold Truth: Do not white lie i.e. withhold part of truth at least from self. Don’t indulge in black lying i.e. accept something as true despite knowing it to be false.  Wake up from dreamland.

4. Balancing
“To be organized and efficient, to live wisely, we must daily delay gratification and keep an eye on the future; yet to live joyously we must also possess the capacity, when it is not destructive, to live in the present and act spontaneously. In other words, discipline itself must be disciplined. ”
It’s neither possible nor necessary to be disciplined all the time. When acting spontaneously and immediate gratification is not destructive, we should act on it. This balancing comes with time and should be practiced with our best judgement.

Did you like the post? Where can we improve? Please give your valuable feedback. Thanks a lot!

Connect with Man of Wisdom on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter for more frequent updates. New blog posts every Thursday and Sunday.

Be kind. Stay positive. Radiate happiness. Goodbye. Take care. Keep Trailing on your Untrailed Path. 🙂

 

Why the Unmarried People Should Start Learning About Raising Children Well, Before Their Marriage

“It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men.”
-Frederick Douglass

This is something I’m not very much familiar with or write about but I’ve naively observed. I really felt this can be helpful or at least thought-provoking and felt this needs to reach more people. So I decided to write this. Please read this with an open mind.

The Courtship Period
Have you observed a significant, and in some countries, majority of movies are love stories? And out of those love stories, majority of them are about courtship period: where the romantic couple gets to know each other, falls in love, overcomes some sort of obstacles and finally unites – in marriage – and that’s shown as ‘the happy ending.’

But think about it, depending on whether love or arranged marriages, the courtship period lasts anywhere from a few months to in some exceptional cases, a decade at most? But how long do marriages last? In most cases a life time – spanning across at least a few decades. What movies, songs, novels and societies portray as happy ending is actually a beginning, of a far longer journey and definitely with its own unique challenges.

Why mention this?
Our youth is inspired from it. They put too much emphasis on courtship period ending up in marriages than on living as a married couple, understanding each other, understanding that relationships require effort (and not confusing that relationships draw from forever sustaining, eternal fountain of love) and raising children well.

Discussions On Raising Children
I may be generalizing and I apologize, but most married couple would likely have children. However, they rarely think about it in the courtship period apart from the fancy mentioning – “we’ll have babies that look like you” and “we’ll name them that” or something along the line. Later after marriage most married couple do give a thought about when they’ll have children: often when their career and priorities align and when they can give most time to their children – this is wonderful. But is this enough?

The Most Ignored Part
Sadly, there is a part of raising children that is often completely ignored: inculcating, instilling great qualities in them. “But every parent wants to and tries to instil great qualities in their children”. True, but in what way? Please read on:

How do children learn?

(Image via Quoteswave)
Another similar quote: “Your child will follow your example not your advice.”

Children learn more from example than advice. The parents are their first teachers and their education begins right from home. Children mirror their parents’ behavior, habits, words and actions. They continuously observe you and imitate the same thing.

Lot of parents try to impart teaching through words while either behaving exactly opposite in action or hardly following their own preaching.

The Sins of the Parents
I’m currently reading a book called “The Road Less Traveled” by M. Scott Peck and it has a chapter with a similar name (The Sins of the Father) which puts a great emphasis on good parenting and highlights the consequences of bad parenting.
The chapter describes the lifelong neuroses the children develop because of the parents who try to instil self-discipline in them while being without self-discipline themselves. In his words they’re “Do as I say, not as I do” parents. From the same book:

When parents do things a certain way, it seems to the young child the way to do them, the way they should be done.
If a child sees his parents day in and day out behaving with self-discipline, restraint, dignity and a capacity to order their own lives, then the child will come to feel in the deepest fibers of his being that this is the way to live.
If a child sees his parents day in and day out living without self-restraint or self-discipline, then he will come in the deepest fibers of being to believe that that is the way to live.

Some More Examples
If the parents frequently fight and bicker over the most trivial of things in front of their children then teachings of tolerance, understanding, being calm go right out of the door.
If a father tells his son to not beat his sister but if he beats the mother then the son won’t stop.
If the mother tells her children to check their temper but she regularly shouts around and gets in argument with the neighbor, her own children would shout and be angry too.
If either of the parent is into some bad habit like drinking or smoking, it’d be hard for the teenage son to not follow the suit despite being told “don’t smoke“.

These were rather more extreme cases but if the parents don’t themselves embody the values, virtues, behavior, habits and thinking they want their children to have, it’s unlikely children would have them.

The Value of Well Raised Children for You, Society and the World
When you raise a child well, you don’t just contribute one good individual, you improve the whole next generation, our society, its future and the whole world. A lot of issues such as violence, racism, addictions, vices and so much more that the world is crippled by can be addressed at home, by parents, by good parenting.

Your Legacy
Your material inheritance may not last with your children forever, but the values you instil, the habits you inculcate in them, the virtues, the individual thinking you help them develop and the person you help them become; that’d remain with them forever and it’d be passed onto to their own children. Your teachings would immortalize you. That’s your true legacy and the whole world would be thankful for it.

Just as you won’t want bad genes to pass on to your children – though you don’t have much control over it – similarly, you shouldn’t want to pass on your bad habits, behaviors, thought patterns and narrow-mindedness to your children and you (both parents) have a lot of control over this. It begins by improving yourself.

Improving Ourselves Takes Time – Begin Early (Now!)
Your bad habits, addictions, vices, improper thinking, narrow-mindedness and any fault you have right now and are aware of won’t suddenly disappear once you’re married. It’d stick with you and would pass on to your children. If you want to raise great children, you must improve yourself.

This improvement won’t happen suddenly. Trust me, it’s challenging to change ourselves. We cannot simply decide one day and completely transform ourselves the same day. To change habits, behavior and thought patterns of years takes at least a few weeks to a few months. Researches shows that at least 62 days or 2 months are needed to instil a new habit. However this is optimistic, doesn’t take into account failures, distractions and other priorities. Also, it’s unlikely there would be only a few bad habits you’d have, so begin early, begin right now.

It’s not like you’re married now or are about to have children and then suddenly you decide and you’re better. This is why I believe if you’re unmarried, very good, begin now. If you’re married and about to have children, begin now, address the worst habits. If you’re married and already have children, you too begin now. Improve yourselves. Your children would be inspired by your changed behavior and would follow you.

Not Being Hard on Children
“Don’t let yourself become so concerned with raising a good kid, that you forget you already have one.”
A lot of parents rely on physical beating, harsh words, mental torture to discipline their children. Such parents themselves lack discipline and are ignorant of more loving, kind ways to impart a teaching as well as ignore the ill effects their punishments may have on their children, in childhood and later in life. Please stop. You don’t want to raise children who need to recover from their childhood.

Just as experienced adults who have seen the world take time to improve; a child who is unaware of the world and its teaching is definitely going to take more time. Be patient, loving and caring parents. You don’t want your child to remember childhood as something dreadful and forgettable.

Another Need: Learning of Better Married Life Before Marriage
Similar to raising children well and probably preceding it is the need of learning about how to have a better married life. I see this too frequently, the married partners bickering over useless things, in busy lives of today they’re not together whole day and when they are they’re fighting, arguing. In courtship period people promise moon and stars for loved ones. But moon and stars aren’t needed to live a healthy, happy married life.

What’s needed is proper communication, honesty, understanding, tolerance and the youth needs to learn this – preferably before marriage. You’re not going to learn and instil this all suddenly on your wedding day, right? Be responsible. Learn now.

Opening Up
If you’re unmarried, you’d be teased about being in the age of marriage etc. If you’re recently married you’d be teased about when are you having children. The youth find themselves bombarded only with this imbecile teasing but are not given proper guidance and more responsible discussions on finding a good partner, on married life, responsibility of both partners, importance of communication and of course on raising children well.

To the youth, the courtship period is extremely exaggerated, is shorter and is perhaps less important than married life and raising children well. If you want to raise children well, improve yourself. This improvement begins now. Start.

Did you like the post? What do you think? Please comment! IF you liked the idea think about it and share with others. Thank you.

Connect with us on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter for more frequent updates. New blog posts every Thursday and Sunday.

Be kind. Stay positive. Radiate happiness. Take care. Keep Trailing on your Untrailed Path.

The Dilemma of Good and Pleasant: How Our Brain Works and 10 Powerful Ways to Overcome Instant Gratification.

Image result for 2 choicesIn the Ancient Indian scripture Kathopanishad, there is a verse spoken by Lord of Death to the child Nachiketa that describes the dilemma that we all often face: of choosing to do what is right and good for our future even though it’s uncomfortable right now OR doing things that give instant gratification right now but harm us in the long term-
“Every person is faced with 2 choices: The Good (sreyas) and The Pleasant (preyas). A wise person chooses The Good, even though it’s not pleasant. A fool chooses The Pleasant, with only instant gratification in mind and suffers later.”
-Kathopanishad, 8th Century BC, India.

We’re faced with this choice numerous times every day: Should we choose the healthier salad or the delicious dessert? Should we watch the TV right now or study? Should we take the stair or lift? Should we write the blog post or continue browsing Facebook? Make the important call or watch another video? Discuss the important but difficult issue with our partner or go on with our day.

And we choose the pleasant more often than we would like to. Not only that, sometimes we understand the Pleasant would ruin us, we don’t pursue it but we indefinitely delay doing the Good. This gives rise to missed deadlines, amassing of guilt and regret, introduce excuses, lying, dishonesty, bad habits usually follow and over long time, can result in far worse outcomes than one can anticipate like ill-health, failure, rejection and broken relationships. This may sound too extreme but it’s the small everyday wrong choices that may result in such apocalyptic outcome.

Knowing is Not Enough
In another scripture from India, the Mahabharata, the antagonist prince Duryodhana, offers the following perspective when asked why he continues to do the bad deeds despite knowing what is right:
“I know what is dharma (i.e. righteousness), yet I cannot get myself to follow it! I know what is adharma (non-righteousness), yet I cannot abstain from it! O Lord of the senses! You dwell in my heart and I will do as you impel me to do.”

This seems all too real and relatable. We ‘know’ what is the right thing to do and what we should avoid, despite this knowledge we end up pursuing the Pleasant and delaying the Good. As if our brains our wired to do that. Are they? Yes!

The 3 Evolutionary Layers of Human Brain: Lizard, Monkey and Human
Even when we know, we only know what is right and wrong but it also helps us to understand how our brain has evolved over hundreds of millions of years and retained some of its ancient parts and tendencies.

The Evolution of brain can be generalized in 3 stages (see notes at end):
1. The Reptilian/Primitive Brain: The most primitive part, it’s the part over spine with brain stem and cerebellum. It’s responsible for involuntary functions like heartbeat, blood circulation etc. as well as the flight or fight response.
It’s rigid, automatic and compulsive. It wants the gratification right now! We have very less control over it in comparison to the other 2 parts.

2. The Monkey/Emotional Brain: This part evolved in earliest mammals. It includes hippocampus, amygdala, hypothalamus, fear/pleasure response circuits among other parts. It’s responsible for emotions, subconscious actions, learning and responses. Also helps in forming and retaining memories.
The Reward Circuit and Addiction:
A neural pathway involving major parts of this brain layer is responsible for reward/ reinforcement learning. When we do something pleasureful, a neuro-transmitter (a chemical) called Dopamine is released. This makes us happier. The monkey brain again anticipates/demands that trigger, we do it and again dopamine is released. This results in dependence on that trigger. The trigger can be drugs like cocaine, intoxicants like alcohol or cigarette, it can also be porn, compulsive web browsing, shopping or over consumption of some food.
This reward circuit if properly adjusted, can be used for building good habits by utilizing non-addictive rewards. (See point 9 below)

3. Neo-cortex (New/Human Brain): This part evolved in earliest primates and culminated in humans. It’s the 2 large cerebral hemispheres and is responsible for problem solving, languages, abstract thoughts, imagination, learning, thinking and also for will power (especially the pre-frontal cortex).

Our Brain is Still Mostly Animalistic
The neo-cortex part of brains has evolved relatively recently and the earlier 2 layers are far more dominating. This is why we’re often swayed by our impulses and have to consistently rely on our willpower but…

The Willpower is Limited
In her book, The Willpower Instinct Dr. Kelly McGonigal writes that willpower is a limited resource. It’s generally highest in the morning and slowly diminishes as we utilize it and as the day progresses it becomes harder to resist temptations.
This means you can’t just wake up at 5 AM on 1st of January, do 10 mile run, start eating healthy, be more responsible, be on time and finish your work. If you didn’t already have the habit, you’d have exhausted significant part of willpower by waking up at 5 AM alone.

The Monkey in the Market:
75000 years ago when we were wandering nomads and food was scarce, it made sense to eat the sweet fruit immediately, it had a lot of calories and so we could go one longer. Similarly, it made sense to mate, sleep and do other fundamental, sustaining functions immediately; you never knew if you’d get a chance. As it also made sense to run on the sight of an animal with really long teeth like a Saber-tooth cat. The flight/fight response, the pleasure aspects of our brain saved us.

Slowly as we began to live in groups, our lives became more and more complex. We needed more self-control and restraint in regard to food, mating, resources and duties like hunting & protecting our tribe. Our brains evolved functions of will power, empathy, self-control and neo-cortex became larger and more integrated with other brain parts, having more control over them as well as more influenced by them.

But we retained the earlier aspects too. So when we’re in market it’s really difficult to not eat the pizza, cake, chips and chocolate or do a lot of shopping. We’ve hundreds of distractions on internet, in TVs and phones and our brain’s reward circuits are on fire. We can’t form good habits because eating a chocolate or watching a movie etc. appear more pleasurable and make complete sense to our animal brains than starting the habit of working out.

We’re like a monkey in a market place, he’s never been to a more lucrative, tempting place. He can’t decide what to do. He wants everything and he wants it all right now. When there is food and fun, why be in self-control?

The Opposition Stacked Against Us So Far
So far I’ve only described how we choose instant gratification despite knowing what is right, how our brains are wired for temptation, how we live in an age of distraction & temptations, how our reward circuits are on fire – giving rise to bad habits and how we have limited will power.

There’s Hope
If humanity is a religion, it’d be a blasphemy to say that we cannot do anything and we’d always be a victim of our urges, temptations and instincts. Looking around us confirms this, we’ve made great progress and attained remarkable achievements – our ancestor 75,000 years ago could never think of a smartphone but slow, incremental discoveries of fire, agriculture, metal, industry, electricity, semiconductor – step by step like this has taken us here.

Instead of being scared of the knowledge of how our brains work, we should use this to our advantage.

How to Beat Instant Gratification?
I’d describe the following 10 ways that I’ve observed have helped me:

1. Start Small (so small it seems ridiculously easy):
This seems too simple but I cannot stress enough how important this is, if you just take one single point and adapt it, take this. Whether it is starting good habit or breaking the bad one, start small.
Never worked out? Do 3 repetitions of push up. Do it 2 days a week. Then take it to 5 repetitions one or even 2 weeks later. If regular push ups seem difficult, do it with knees on floor, same amount. Never ran? Run 5 or even 2 meters. Start so small it seems ridiculously easy that you can’t think of quitting or doing something else.

2. Just Start It:
I could make this corollary of point 1 but it’s too important and often overlooked. You want or do not want something, you have to start it. The Psychologist Timothy Pychyl has coined “Just start it!” based on Nike’s Just do it. Take the first step.
Want to stop with alcoholism? Sign up for alcohol anonymous. Next step would be to go there. Want to start with the essay/blog post? Just decide the topic and write it down. May be next step would be to write the outline. After that the first point and so on.

3. Minimize Temptations (Remove Them!):
Start this small too. Slowly begin to decrease the temptations around you. Distant yourself from the dependencies that give rise to The Pleasant. Examples would clear them better:
Smoke 10 cigarettes a day? Buy a smaller packet. Decrease 1 over week/ 2 week. Drink too much? May be don’t hang out with the buddy who bathes in alcohol. Waste time on distracting websites? Install blocker extensions like StayFocusd. Gossip too much? Meet the person less or talk about something else. Don’t want to eat the pastries? Don’t buy the pastries or give the ones away and so on.
Corollary: Meaningful Distractions
Some distractions can help you delay the more dangerous gratification. Want to smoke? Watch the TV series or to feel less guilty, go for a run, call someone. Meaningful distractions deviate your focus from instant gratification.

4. Be Consistent (Build the Momentum and Be Committed)
When you’re making a life changing decision or habit, start small and build it up slowly. But be consistent. Decide the frequency: whether hours or days or weeks you’d do something and then on those times, short of World War 3 or a Family Crisis you must do it! Tolerate no excuses, you’re already starting small. I’d say sitting down for 1 hour of an episode is more uncomfortable than 1 or 3 or 5 push-ups, you do twice in a week or once in 2 weeks (depending on your progression).

5. Willpower Can Be Replenished and Increased
Dr. McGonigal also describes that ‘Willpower Reservoir’ can be replenished with Sleep, Rest and when you need it for small time, a minimum 5 minute breathing, relaxing meditation.
It can also be increased with regular physical exercise. Also, as you slowly begin to do the uncomfortable activities that you’ve been avoiding, start small and slowly buildup, you’d expand the limits of your willpower. What seemed too difficult in the past would seem part of nature sometime later. The same activity consumes very less or NO willpower at all after some time. And this willpower you’re free to use on other activities. Yay!

6. It’s Okay to Fail:
In the pursuit of anything, you’d fail. There’d be days when you’d even miss the 3 push ups and WW3 hasn’t started and it’s ok. Don’t beat yourself up for it. There may be relapses in your habit, recurrence of the behavior you’re wanting to change, reemergence of the thoughts you’re trying to get over and it’d be tough. Sometime they’d overcome you. Sleep on it, don’t think on it. But make sure to take the step you missed as soon as you can. We have to practice tough self-love but not beat ourselves either. Balance it.

7. Be Mindful (Acknowledge I’ve a thought or Start Journaling):
There is all sort of confusing mess about mindfulness. For our discussion, it’s simple: Be Aware. Observe your thoughts. Like observe the thought you want to eat a chocolate.
This unfortunately doesn’t work for everyone. You can start a journal, where you pour thoughts about what you want to do, pro & cons against it and track progress. But people can procrastinate on journaling too.
In short, I’d say learn to observe your thoughts. Have some mantra, motto, a mission statement or a catch phrase. Observe the tempting thought and recall your motto. If still have the same thought, distract yourself with the motto. This needs like 2 blog posts of its own to explain properly. It’s the essence: Be mindful. Then direct your awareness to the Righteous.

8.  Start Accountability and/or Support System
Sometimes this journey can be daunting alone and may be you’re observing you’re failing too many times, then open up and ask for help. If you’re too shy to talk with your loved ones, go to a support group. These are especially helpful in addictions and for bad habits.
If you find it hard to be committed and perform the necessary action, have your ruthless friend make you more accountable. Example, if you don’t study and show him/her your progress every 3 days you pay him/her $5 or $15 or do their home work. The idea is to have a higher discomfort in this penalty than the actual task itself. There are apps that automatically do that.

9. Build a Healthy Reward System:
Example, if you stay committed and do not give in to instant gratification say for a week then you can have a temporary unrelated reward. Unrelated as in if trying to overcome alcoholism, it must not be related to alcohol or any addiction, may be eat a cake. But if it’s related to cakes, and you don’t eat for a month, then may be watch a movie or TV series? So on.

10. Delay (Defer Gratification):
This is in the end for a reason, you’ve to follow some of the above steps, but some can just do this: Whenever feeling the urge, delay. Don’t act immediately. It goes hand in hand with meaningful distraction and mindfulness. Distract yourself. Overtime it becomes a habit by itself. You have all these thoughts, you observe them and they go, like a flowing river. They don’t have an obstruction to stop the flow and flood, meaning, there is no anchor stopping those thoughts, one thought is replaced with another. With meditation, thoughts can be replaced with thoughtlessness. There is no thought, hence there is no action that follows that thought. Keep realigning your focus.

This has been one of the longer posts. I hope it has been helpful. I thank you very much for reading it and request it to share it, if it’s been helpful.

All the best with your goals. You can message me on Facebook if you want to talk about something. Take care. Keep smiling. Keep progressing towards your dream. Keep Trailing on Your Untrailed Path.

Notes:
1. The Triune Brain Model: Evolutionary Layers of the Human Brain

2. The Status of Triune Model: Triune Model: What to keep and what to discard

3. Duryodhan’s Verse: Janami Dharmam

4. Verse from Kathopanishad:
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2017 Reading List and Reading Challenge – 100 Books, 2 books each week

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“Books are the quietest and most constant of friends; they are the most accessible and wisest of counselors, and the most patient of teachers.”
-Charles William Eliot

Reading good books is one of the most enriching activities that always stretches us. One of my greatest mistakes has been reading less books or reading books related to only a few fields of knowledge. I decided to change this in March 2016 by reading about 1 book per week but could read only about 30 books.

I’ve decided to challenge myself to read or listen to 2 books/audio books each week in 2017, and round it off to about 100 books.

I’ve selected the following 98 books after thinking a lot on topics I want to read, followed by deliberate search for best books and then reading multiple positive and negative reviews. I’ve left out 2 books for great recommendation I come across.

I also wanted to cover a lot of areas, some directly related to my goals like Philosophy, Computer Science and Genetics, while others less related but are related to people I’m inspired by, causes I care about (Cancer Treatments, Overcoming Depression) or School of Thoughts I follow like Stoicism, Survivalism etc. I also challenged myself to read topics I don’t generally read like Finance, Relationships and Addictions.

I’ve marked books with over 450 pages as L for long and with over 700 pages as VL for Very Long and books demanding exercises or with complex material like text books as C for Complex. I’d probably read them over weeks. The ones I’ve already read are marked as such in green. I’d keep updating.

Here are the books:

Biographies + Autobiographies (7)

  • Elon Musk – Ashley Vance Read
  • Einstein, His Life and Universe – Walter Isaacson
  • The Autobiography of Benjamin Franklin – Benjamin Franklin
  • Leonardo da Vinci: Flights of the Mind – Charles Nicholl
  • Isaac Newton – James Gleick
  • When Breath Becomes Air – Paul Kalanithi
  • The Rise of Theodore Roosevelt -Edmund Morris (1st of triology)

Psychology + Self Development (18)

  • Deep Work – Cal Newport Read
  • Flow – Mihaly Csikszentmihaly
  • Power of Habit – Charles Duhigg
  • 4 Hour Work Week – Tim Ferris
  • The Art of Manliness: Manvotional – Compiled by Brett &  Mckay
  • Think and Grow Rich -Napoleon Hill
  • The Road Untravelled – M. Scott Peck Reading
  • How to Win Friend and Influence People -Dale Carnegie
  • Self Control, Its Kingship and Majesty – William George Jordan
  • The Crown of Individuality – William George Jordan
  • Eat That Frog – Brian Tracy
  • Peak: Secrets from New Science of Expertise – K. Enders Ericsson
  • Mastery – Robert Greene Reading
  • Radical Acceptance – Tara Brach
  • The Willpower Instinct (Maximum Willpower) -Kelly McGonigal
  • Thinking Fast and Slow – Daniel Kahneman
  • As a Man Thinketh – James Allen
  • Extreme Ownership –  Jocko Willink and Leif Babin

Suicide, Depression and Mental Illnesses (2)

  • The Noonday Demon: An Atlas of Depression – Andrew Solomon
  • Night Falls Fast: Understanding Suicide – Kay Redfield Jamison

Survivalism (Survival Guide + Survival Stories) (4)

  • US Army Survival Manual (FM 3-05.70)
  • Unbroken – Laura Hillenbrand
  • Adrift: 76 Days Lost At Sea – Steven Callahan
  • Man’s Search for Meaning -Victor E. Frankl

Genetics + Molecular Biology (6)

  • The Gene: An Intimate History – Siddhartha Mukherjee
  • The Manga Guide to Molecular Biology – Masaharu Tekemura
  • Genome: An Autobiography of a Species in 23 Chapters – Matt Ridley
  • Molecular Biology of the Cell – Bruce Alberts
  • The Language of Genes – Steve Jones
  • DNA: The Secret of Life – James Watson

Food + Recipes (2)

  • Eating Animals – Jonathan Safran Foer
  • Vegan Recipes Book

Cancer (2)

  • The Death of Cancer – Elizabeth and Vincent DeVita
  • The Truth in Small Doses – Clifton Leaf

Running + Running Inspiration (2)

  • Born to Run -Christopher McDougall
  • Faster than Lightning: My Autobiography – Usain Bolt

Procrastination (2)

  • The Procrastination Equation – Piers Steel
  • Solving the Procrastination Puzzle: Timothy A. Pychyl

Addiction (2)

  • Gun, Needle, Spoon – Patrick O’Neil
  • Alcoholics Anonymous: Big Book – Bob Smith, Bill W. and others

Philosophy + Spirituality (15)

  • Walden -Henry David Thoreau
  • The Art of War -San Tzu
  • Tao Te Ching (The Way) -Lao Tzu, Translation of Gia Fu Feng
  • Vivekchuramani – Adi Shankaracharya
  • The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying – Songyal Renpoche
  • Freedom From the Known – Jiddu Krishnamurti
  • The Analects – Confucius
  • The Principle Upanishads – Sarvepalli Radhakrishnan
  • Brahmasutra – Badarayana
  • Ethics – Baruch Spinoza
  • Thus Spoke Zarathustra – Friedrich Nietzsche
  • The Nicomachean Ethics – Aristotle
  • Pragmatism: A New Way for Some Old Ways of Thinking – William James
  • The Republic – Plato
  • Discourse on Method – René Descartes

Health  and Fitness (1)

  • Spark: The Revolutionary New Science of Exercise and Brain – John Ratey

Science (Multiple Disciplines) (3)

  • Gödel, Escher, Bach: an Eternal Golden Braid – Douglas Hofstadter
  • Cosmos – Carl Sagan
  • The Structure of Scientific Revolutions – Thomas S. Kuhn

History (3)

  • A Short History of Nearly Everything – Bill Bryson
  • Guns, Germs and Steel: The Fates of Human Socieities – Jared Diamond
  • The Price: The Epic Quest for Oil, Money and Power – Daniel Yergin

Biology + Epidemiology + Anthropology (4)

  • The Vital Question – Nick Lane
  • Eradication: Ridding the World of Diseases Forever? – Nancy Stepan
  • Sapiens: A Brief History of Humankind – Yuval Noah Harari
  • Your Inner Fish – Neil Shubin

Relationships + Biological, Evolutionary Aspects of Romantic ones (3)

  • The Relationship Cure – John M. Gottman
  • The Chemistry Between Us – Larry Young
  • The Evolution of Desire – David M Buss

Mental Toughness (3)

  • The Art of Mental Training – DC Gonzalvez
  • Unbeatable Mind – Mark Divine
  • 10 Minute Toughness – Jason Selk

Stoicism (3)

  • Enchiridion – Epictetus
  • Letters from a Stoic – Seneca
  • The Obstacle is the Way – Ryan Holiday

Business + Finance (4)

  • The Hard Thing About Hard Things – Ben Horowitz
  • Zero to One –  Peter Thiel
  • Good to Great – James Collins
  • Rich Dad, Poor Dad – Robert Kiyosak

Nonfiction Books By Steven Pressfield (4)

  • War of Art Read
  • Turning Pro Read
  • Do the Work Read
  • The Warrior Ethos Read

Computer Science + Programming (4)

  • Introduction to Algorithms – Thomas H. Cormen et al (VL, VC)
  • Cracking the Coding Interview – Gayle Laakmann McDowell (VL, C)
  • Peeling Design Patterns – Narasimha Karumanchi (C)
  • Elements of Programming Interviews – Adnan Aziz (VL, C)

Mathematics (3)

  • Discrete mathematics and its applications – Kenneth H. Rosen (VL, C)
  • How to Solve it? – George Pólya (C)
  • Statistics – David Freedman (VL, C)

Full Rereads or Part Rereads (1, Full rereads are marked with *)

  • Bhagvadgita – Original translation (without commentary) *
  • The Emperor of All Maladies – Siddhartha Mukherjee
  • Meditations – Marcus Aurelius
  • War of Art – Steven Pressfield * (Already counted)
  • The Manual of Warrior of Light – Paulo Coelho

“The more that you read, the more things you will know. The more that you learn, the more places you’ll go.”  – Dr. Seuss

What are your favorite books? Which books would you suggest me to read? Share in the comments!

Till the next time, take care, keep smiling, stay positive and Keep Trailing on Your Untrailed Path.